Resistance is a bully

Resistance is eating my lunch.
He has me by the throat.
I twist struggling for release.
Anything to be released from his grip.
I refuse to look him in the eyes.

The truth is I feel amazing.

I’m living my dreams.
I’ve been in control.
I’ve crossed items off my bucket list.
And maybe I should feel badly. Maybe I should feel guilty. But I don’t. I feel the freedom of living all no-regrets style. Pure bliss.

Then Resistance pushed me like a bully into a corner. Stole my lunch. And here I am caught by the throat.

If I dare to look him in the eye –
If I dare to acknowledge he is killing me –
what then?

With a subtle squeeze, immeasurable pressure I need air. I need air.
I shift. Straining my throat. Pulling my head. Gasping. My eyes wide.
I glimpse Resistance’s eyes.
I see shadow figures of my inadequacies.
Shadow scenarios where I share what I’m really like and I’m rejected.
Rejected.
Ostracized.
Vulnerable.
But
Resistance didn’t realize I care but not enough to sacrifice how far I’ve come.
Resistance forgot I don’t like being told what to do.
Resistance forgot when I get shoved down, I might hunker down all scared, but eventually I get pissed off and come out swinging.

Reject me? Fine.
Unsubscribe? Please do.
Say this is “oh so interesting” in a deprecating tone? Fuck you.
Resistance you had me.
I thought I couldn’t look you in the eyes.
But I did and here’s what I know to be true:

I must write.

I must speak.

I must share my truth.

I must work through the pain.

And in those moments, I defeat you, Resistance, word by word.

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6 comments

  1. I was just thinking about Resistance tonight. I am working on giving it little to no power, but wondering why it grips me sometimes. I sit here, full of ideas, full essays practically written in my head, but I still find that resistance to sitting down and doing it–even though I am happiest when I am writing. Well, that’s probably not really true. What Dorothy Parker said is probably true: “I hate writing. I love having written.” Especially when it’s something you have to write, or know that you *should* be writing. Loved this a lot. Thanks for it. The timing couldn’t have been better.

    1. Rachel – delighted you stopped by! I am glad this was well-timed for you too. Resistance just sometimes catches us unaware, you know? I’m not sure if I quit being vigilant or if I thought I had defeated Resistance forever, but it can be immobilizing.
      Do you have certain routines or habits that help you stay centered – help you continue writing – help you capture ideas? Maybe if you can identify those it might help you take the power away from Resistance. Hope you are doing well this morning! Take care!

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