Toenails cracked–1 little pinky toenail.
Q-tips dropped into the porcelain god–52 give or take 29.
I am Bridget. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Bridget Jones life is my life.
The following is a transcript of the other morning’s events:
11 a.m. Awoke in a beautifully calm manner. Realized impossibly small iPod nano had disappeared from its resting place into the recesses of my bed. Panicked, I flung bedcovers back to find it which caused my bedside table great distress. Stuff went flying. Glasses too. Blindly searching for one ridiculously small iPod nano stuffed in cute knitted iPod pouch and now looking for eyewear. Aargh. Find nano tucked under pillow and eyeglasses tucked under bed.
11:10 a.m. Hungry, I plod into the kitchen. Nothing suitable to eat only stale Doritos and nasty variety style instant oatmeal. Digging, I find some Cheezits and head back to bed. Somewhere in this journey my little toe had a head-on collision with the endtable. Not even sure how this has happened. And this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to the bathroom.
11:12 a.m. Blinding pain. Have lost all sense of grace. Gingerly place foot atop toiley and reach into the cabinet. Desperately looking for peroxide. Do not want to have infected toe! Today is not the day to die from gangrene.
11:14 a.m. Peroxide heaven at last! Yes, sweet relief was on its way…Rashly grab bottle and yank it out of cabinet. Guess what? Forecast: Mild temperatures with chance of shattered Q-tip storms. Little toe and the rest of me poured down upon by evil Q-tip apparatuses. Q-tip kamikazes dive bomb into the toiley below aforementioned little toe. Holy Cow! Cannot believe this day has not ended.
11:18 a.m. Q-tip Recovery Effort began and ended after dryheaving and plunging hands into toiley….EWWWW! Only 10 Q-tips made it out alive…Are being held for questioning. Other 78 Q-tips buried in receptacle.
11:22 a.m. Little Piggy cleansed and wrapped.
11:25 a.m. Work. Work. Work. Oh my! Must get ready for work! Rush around and get ready and place little piggy gingerly in footwear.
11:55 a.m. Kitchen. Time for Crystal Light Pink Lemonade Morning Ritual. Lemonade will not cooperate. Water will not cooperate. Sink sprayer will not cooperate. The evil trio doused my entire being….
11:58 a.m. Bedroom. Please God, tell me clean clothes do exist in this closet. Please, oh please.
12:07 p.m. Jeep. On way to work. Ahhh.
12:45 p.m. Library. At work and day is going much smoother. Look at newly changed into shirt. Giant stain in chestal area. Very noticeable. Try to cover it with bookmark and “banned book week” pins. That just so figures…
Originally published September 29, 2005