The Family Ranking: Meet the sweet six + 1

5 nephews.

1 niece.

These 6 will forever be kids to me. No matter how grownup they become.

The kids and I came up with rankings and it’s all because of my oldest nephew Golden Boy who can do nothing wrong. Ever.


Golden Boy will deny, deny, deny that he is indeed golden. He is the first grandchild on each side of his family. He is the firstborn son. Golden Boy can do no wrong. Just ask his grammy, my mum (CeeCee). She will defend any action or word Golden Boy has ever done or uttered. He is eleven years my junior and we are closer in age than my older sister and I. He is the little brother I never had. I love him so much. So much in fact, I gave him a golden sweatshirt with the words “Golden Boy” sharpied on it. All the cousins and siblings know they rank below this kid. I know I rank below this kid.


The silver medal belongs to my nephew, 40-year-old-man-stuck-in-a-12-year-old’s-body, we’ll call him 40/12 for short. 40/12 is highlarious! He is a master coordinator, planner, and visionaire. He will put you to work. Don’t dare tell him any of your dreams because he will ask you again and again how your dream is going. He prefers adult conversation than that of peers. Just ask Uncle Dan Conner. You’ll find him self-regulating his bedtime and watching MASH episodes. Our special bond is our friend Melantonin. And he wants to be a preacher. I’m hoping to share his first sermon here with you, but I’ve got to get his permission and he’ll probably want fees and royalties from this blog exposure.


The bronze goes to two nephews who are practically twins – except they are one month apart in age and are brothers-from-another-mother: Mr. Sunshine (you remember him, right?) and Genius-on-Aisle-5. These two are thick as thieves as Dan Conner says. These two together are unstoppable. Genius can get away with anything because of his special ability to make you laugh despite your best efforts. The kid has the market on master manipulation. He also reminds me of his mother, my super, super old sister KYNDAL. He nicknames people all the time, just like his mom. For a while, he only called his mom Mrs. Butterworth and his dad Big Bird. He may be a genius, but he is a crrraaazzzy genius. Dude, don’t ever call your parents Mrs. Butterworth or Big Bird. Since you already know some about Mr. Sunshine, I will only add that he loves music. He spent an entire road trip to OKC singing Green Day’s “When September Ends”. That song isn’t the same unless Mr. Sunshine is belting it out.


The last of the boys is Squishy. Squishy does not accept this name, I’m sorry, man. You were a baby when Finding Nemo came out and I can’t help myself. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. Squishy is in his own class. This kid is determined. He is an old soul – he doesn’t just look at you, he peers into your very being. It’s intense. It’s wild. Squishy is a reader, inventor, an advocate of using quills to write. He can do anything after watching someone once – ask his mom Susan Hayward’s Nose about him ironing at the age of two. He also has insane origami skills. Dang I wish I had those skills.

***It’s important to note that Squishy, Genius-on-an-aisle-5, and I are the babies in our respective families. So we share a special bond – that’s what I keep telling them. I am schooling them in the way of birth order. A Baby is front and center. A Baby needs the attention. A Baby is It. Oh, I’m teaching them alright.


This girl puts everyone in their place. Kat is a performer – dramatic and super funny and fun. She sings. She dances. She is SOCIAL. Kat is fashion. Kat will try anything – she is bold. Ask her about snorkeling with my best friend Elle. I love her heart and I love when she gets silly. Her laugh will get you laughing too.


Then there’s me. I know this is weird including myself on a list introducing the ranking of my nephews and niece. However, the kids helped come up with these rankings and included me. Why? 1) Kids often forget that I am not, in fact, a kid. 2) I’m single. Only married people are adults. 3) Or maybe it’s cause I am the middle of the chaos – Bronze boys? 40/12? Squishy? Remember Auntie Panties? Josh? Supertones, man.

My ranking is black sheep. The kids asked me what I was and this was my response. I don’t fit the mold. Dear old CeeCee (my mum) she is still trying to figure out where I came from. Her favorite thing to say is: “I think Keeks was cut from a tiny, piece of scrap material left in the corner of heaven.” Sometimes she says that maybe my cousin Smoss is from that same scrap. Maybe he is – he is the coolest person I have ever met. The stories I could tell….

40/12 actually gave me a black sheep figurine last year as a gift. He could barely get out that he had a gift for me because he was laughing so hard.

What about you? Does your family “rank” each other?

Golden Boy with his sister Kat

From left: Mr. Sunshine, Squishy, 40-year-old-man-stuck-in-12-year-old-body, and Genius-on-Aisle-5

I’ll have an update shortly about Hello Somebody and Jean De Deiu. Thanks for supporting this child!



  1. Here you go again Kristen, making me smile a little and being so proud of your writing. You truly have some great subjects (the R”s, K’s, and a few others I shall leave unnamed at this time.) You really don’t have to go far for material, do you? Love your stories. Keep em coming.

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