Every time I have written about a guy or crush on a guy it has gone horribly wrong. I expect the same with this.
He’ll show interest and then, well, nothing.Lather, rinse, repeat.
I don’t really care for this cynical side of me.
I especially don’t appreciate how my mind can conjure fifty scenarios where I end up dead, wrecked, ruined, or eternally heartbroken.
Must be the gift of the writer in me. Or too many telenovas or too much rap music.
I sat across from the most beautiful man recently. A casual meeting of a guy and girl.
I feel for this fella actually. He has met me at the least opportune time.
I am loving my life. I am embracing each moment. Savoring the juices of life so to speak. And to be honest, I don’t want anything or anyone to mess that up. Life is satisfying. (Four months ago and I would’ve been chomping at the bit for any relationship.)
However, I’m easily charmed and found him intriguing and so we met up.
It’s always interesting to see how close you can maneuver a casual date/friend thing to an actual interview. So many questions! So many winning smiles!
Having a conversation about how I’ve never dated, never been asked out, never fucked someone is uncomfortable. (My apologies to those offended by the bluntness, but in your 30s, guys and girls don’t have time to play games.)
It’s uncomfortable because I already feel like the odd man out.
Long, lost unicorn. Did anyone know those really do exist – unicorns not black sheep?
You lay it out there. Your story. Waiting for the response.
In one respect, I’m thankful this is my odd little story.
It’s unique and weird.
On the other hand, Why does this have to be my life?
It’s frustrating. Bittersweet.
And in this world, explaining your choice in not being a hooker and choosing differently, is being a social pariah. You are just plain weird.
Yep, that’s my story.
So I sat across from this man and laid it out there. Time will tell.
The weight of waiting.
By the way, this isn’t some pity party.
I absolutely believe and know I have not missed out or sidestepped God’s Way on this.
However, I do find myself wondering when people ask innocent enough sounding questions:
When are you going to settle down and meet a man?
Why haven’t you found yourself a man yet? You know my friend of a friend’s 2nd cousin’s uncle met his wife on some cutesy-named-online-dating-service. You should do that right now.
What do you do with all of your time since all you really have is your job? (I kind of like this one. It’s my favorite. What do I do with all my time?)
Oh and then if it hasn’t got bizarre enough. People are convinced I’m hiding my relationship. Or for the cherry on top: Are you a lesbian? I know a girl you just might like.
Hey people, I had no idea the status or non-status of my relationship has so much to do with my worth. Wow.
So I’m doing things a little differently. I just didn’t realize so many would have such interest in my inability to catch a man.
You know what I would appreciate? And probably others out there living a similar story trying to take things slow and NOT catch an STD? Offer us some encouragement for not doing things the normal way. Do you know how much pressure there is to be normal and homogenized? Surely you do. You think I’m WEIRD.
So after the tears and meltdowns, not over the not having a guy, but the ridonkulous questions, I come back to what I know as truth.
God is good.
God is faithful.
God is the author of my story.
I’ll keep saying it. I’m trying to do it His way. I don’t want it any other way.
Still waiting to hear back from that guy, but I’m not holding my breath. I don’t need to.
I’ve got a life to live.
I’ve got a story to write.
And guy or no guy isn’t going to change me following God.