Standing as a tribute

Fifteen years ago today, we laid the shell of my father’s soul to rest. He was no longer here. And my world forever shifted. Yet life continues on its narrow and wide paths. And still I stand as a tribute to my father.

There are those who still remember. Who remember a calm, intense presence. Humble, powerful leader. And remember a man who would sacrifice in the name of love.

Sometimes I wonder if we didn’t disappoint him. In the end. Praying for a healing that would not come on this side. Sometimes I wonder if he would have been able to slip away more gracefully if we had allowed him to live out his last days differently. I wonder. I just wonder.

Years later, I long for conversations. Conversations that I play out in my mind often. I wonder about how I might be if he were still here. Would I have gone through a wild, college, woo hoo girl phase? More than likely. Would I have fought so stubbornly to be my own self? Yes. Would I have made the same mistakes, had the same successes? Yes and no. It’s all about choices. I’ve made them. Regardless of my father dying now or then – I still had choices to make.

The memories are different. They shift and twist with experience.

The memories are still the same. Am I not still his little girl?

In moments of quiet clarity, I think how proud he would be of me. Of my sisters. So encouraged by the close friendship between the three of us. How we so enjoy just being together. Proud that his grandchildren know him because my sisters talk and share stories of him with them. Proud that my best friend Elle can’t wait to meet him because she feels she knows him already.

For now heaven is but a little ways off until we all reunite again.

Until that time, I will stand as a tribute.

One who has not forgotten and is so very grateful for the time we had.

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14 comments

  1. I know exactly how you feel. We lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago and it’s so interesting to wonder what he would think of his kids and grandkids now, and what effect he would be having on us if he were still here.

    Even though he’s not here he still has an effect on me every day.

    1. Thank you Jan! I appreciate your feedback! I am now thinking of all the ways we are tributes and what that really looks like in our lives – tribute to God, our families, etc.

    1. Ashlie! Thank you! I am super pumped/nervous/excited about being intentional in my writing and sharing it. And thank you for the incredible support! Love you too!

  2. Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 15 years. You ALL stand as a tribute to him. Reminds me of how we are all children of our Heavenly Father, how we all make choices, some that don’t always make Him especially ‘proud’. Some make Him exceptionally so. But we’re His children none the less, heirs to the throne, co-heirs with Christ. Always loved, always on His mind. Nothing can separate us. Love ya, girlie. đŸ˜‰

    1. Kristi, Preach it, sister! “Always loved, always on His mind” – so very true! Thank you for your kind words! And for checking out my blog!

  3. This is so beautiful and brings back a few memories. That was a hard time for all your extended family as well. God is so good. He shows us the way through everything, doesn’t he? Some choices just take longer to discern….

    Love ya!

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